It can be incredibly frustrating being a parent of a child who is being bullied. Most parents would do anything to protect their children from being deliberately harmed by others but often they can feel powerless to help. It can be especially frustrating when you know your child is being bullied but they won't tell you about it. Or if they do, they will give a vague description of what is going on, likely missing out the very details you want to know about.

So what can you do if your child is being bullied?

And if you suspect your child is being bullied, how do you get them to tell you what you need to know?

Firstly, let's look at what you can do to find out what is going on:

Start your conversation in a comfortable situation. Make sure you are going to be talking on equal terms. i.e. Sit down together so you are at the same height as your child. Or you could even be at a lower height, maybe with your child sitting on their bed and you on the floor. This will take away some of your authority as a parent and your child might be more likely to talk to you as a friend. Let's face it, they are likely to tell their friends more than they are their parents - so be their friend. It's amazing how many parents make the mistake of confronting their child about being bullied. "You're being bullied at school, aren't you?" will only put your child on the defensive and they'll tell you nothing.

Give them your full attention. Sounds obvious, I know, but if your thoughts are crowded with what you're going to do to the bully then you are paying more attention to yourself than your child. If your child starts the conversation with you, they have chosen a time to bring it up therefore it is always the most appropriate time to have the conversation. Stop whatever you are doing and listen.

Thank your child. You want to immediately let them know that talking to you is the right thing to do.

Ask open questions. It may be very tempting to start an interrogation but that's not going to get you the results you want. Good open questions encourage more thorough answers. Here are some examples:

How do they bully you?
Why do you think they are bullying you?
What other ways do they pick on you?
How do they pick on other people?
In what ways do you cope with it?

Never interupt. Be patient. It may take a while before they build up to giving you the important details so keep listening. Prompt with open questions when you need to. If you have long silences that's OK. Often the big revelations come after a long silence so let them happen.

Promise that you will take no action without your child's permission. This is so important. The main reason children are so often reluctant to talk to their parents about being bullied is the fear of what their parents might do. It can be terrifying to think that your Dad is going to charge down to the school, or someone's home demanding that something be done! And so this should scare them. More often than not, this makes bullying situations worse rather than better. Children know this and this is exactly why they usually keep the bullying a secret. Oh, and...need I say this? Keep your promise.

Now let's look at how you can help:

Make it a team effort. It's best to work with your child rather than for your child. If you have some good ideas then share them with your child and find out from them if they think each idea would work or not. This may involve some action you take or some action your child takes. Ask you child for their ideas. They maybe already have some strategies planned. Discuss them, look at the pros and the cons and figure out a good plan between you.

Consider school resources. Schools are much better now than ever before at dealing with bullying. They all have anti-bullying policies and the good ones have a reasonable wide range of options to choose from. Personally, I'm a fan of policies that help empower the child who is being bullied. e.g. Good peer-mentoring systems mean that your child could learn good strategies from older pupils - tried and tested methods that work for others.

I don't like the approach of having the school punish the bully. Though this option tends to appeal to most parents, it rarely solves the problem. Sometimes it does work but in reality the bullies usually don't stop. They just have to find more subtle and inventive ways to bully. Parents and teachers often believe the problem is solved if the child doesn't report future offences. Actually, it is probable that much of the time the child doesn't want to report the problem again because they know the adults aren't capable of solving it.

Another important aspect of this 'solution' is that of what it teaches the bully. The bully learns that you should punish someone when they don't behave the way you want them to. Is it not logical then that they should punish your child for telling on them?

Create strategies. Read my general advice page for some insight and inspiration and consider whether your strategy needs to include some of the following:

   * Body language (posture, eye contact etc.)
   * Voice (tone, pitch, speed)
   * Dialogue (what words to use in specific situations)
   * Frame of mind (e.g. confidence, feelings of control, ambivalence etc.)
   * Hitting back (Sometimes it might be appropriate for your child to physically defend themselves)

Consider hiring a professional. This is where I come in. I can work with your child to make sure they feel really good about themselves and to help them to solve the bullying situations for themselves. What I can teach them will be worth so much more than just getting their current problems solved. No one will be able to bully them in the future as they will have 'built-in' strategies to deal with any confrontational situation. They will be free to enjoy school and therefore gain better grades than they might have otherwise. And when we look ahead to adulthood, they will have the confidence and skills to go for the job they want and never fall into the massive category of people who accept being bullied at work because they were bullied at school. Contact me now to book and for more information on 0845 257 6436 or email mark@bullyingfullstop.co.uk

Mark McKenzie