Every bullying situation is different. Bullies have a knack of finding out what buttons to press to get the reactions they want from you. So you have to be adaptable. Use the following general ideas by adapting them to suit your situation.

Realise that bullying is ALWAYS ABOUT THE BULLY. I can´t stress this enough. People bully because they get something out of it. Sometimes it´s a feeling of control, significance, power or even inclusion. If they find someone that will give them these feelings then they have found a victim.

Find out what the bully wants you to do. Does the bully want you to cry? To cower? To hit them? Whatever it is, if they don´t get the response they want then they won´t want to bully you. You can normally tell what this is because it is usually the reaction you have given just before they stop bulling in each instance.

Find out which responses the bully would hate. What would make the bullying an unpleasant experience for the bully? Smiling? humiliating them? hitting them? laughing? turning away? walking away? ignoring them? insulting them? It´s going to be different for each bully. The best way to do this is notice what they don´t like other people doing to them. If one of their friend laughs at them and they get upset because of it then that might be the best approach.

Defy the bully. This doesn´t mean you have to `stand up to them´, it just means you have to respond in a way they don´t expect. If someone insults you, it might be a good idea to stand upright and smile while looking straight at them. This is very likely to unsettle them and they might even attempt to bully you in a different way, e.g. by hitting you. If you then snigger when they hit you, they may well do some more insulting or more hitting and then wander off. Now they are much less likely to bully you in future because you are not giving them what they want.

Create a strong and resourceful state of mind. This really is the key to being able to do all of the above. What states of mind would be very helpful to you when someone tries to bully you? Confident?, self-respectful?, powerful?, energetic?, excited?, focused?, angry? controlled?..... Creating the state of mind that would be most useful to you is easier than you might think. Here´s a good way to gain more confidence:

Try this now. Think of someone you know who is very confident. Look at them in your imagination. Notice how they stand, notice their posture, notice the expression on their face. Imagine this person when they are at their most confident. Now, in your imagination, float into this person and pretend that you are borrowing their confidence. Stand the way they do, make the same expressions that they do and notice how much more confidence you feel.

This is just a simple example, and I have many more ways of helping you to achieve the state of mind you need, but it is essential to realise that you can have any state of mind you want. No matter what anyone says or does to you. Just because someone is horrible to you doesn´t mean you have to feel bad. No one can `make you sad´ but you can react with sadness and feel bad. Equally, you could feel content and even relieved because you know how sad the person is that is attempting to bully you. No one bullies other people because they, themselves have a wonderful life. Take pity on them and be glad you´re not like them.

I´ve given you a very brief guide showing an outline of my approach. Please contact me on 0845 257 6436 or email mark@bullyingfullstop.co.uk for more information and to arrange a training session.

Mark McKenzie