In order to change the behaviour of bullies it is important that we understand them. Most people find it difficult to comprehend bullying.  How could people be so cruel? What would make someone want to hurt people? In this article, I would to offer you some insight into the mind of a bully so that you have a starting point for designing some ideas which can help to change the way they behave.

Most bullies don’t know they are bullies. They don’t bully people (in their minds) they might just mock, tease or have fun with people. In workplace settings, they can ‘motivate,’ get things done, have some office banter or even teach someone a lesson. Bullies will usually agree that bullying is wrong and people shouldn’t do it. And as far as they are concerned, they don’t do it.

We all have our emotional needs. We fulfil them in different ways and we all prioritise them in our own way. Bullying is simply a way of fulfilling needs. Let’s say, for example that you are a young child and have a need for attention. You try talking to your classmates but you don’t get noticed much. You join in with a game but you find that some of the other children are getting most of the attention. Then you shout an insult at someone and hey presto! All eyes are on you. Your friends laugh and comment on what you did. Some of them also throw their own insults at your chosen victim. Excellent, now you have a way of getting attention any time you want it.

Let’s also look at a workplace example. You are the team leader of group of people and your manager is putting pressure on you to get your team to perform well. Let’s say you have an emotional need for achievement. You tell your team what they need to do but they are under-delivering. You use a few different leaderships ideas but still no change. A fear of failure sets in and you become determined to get results. So you try a threat ‘If you don’t get this done, I’ll make you come in at the weekend to do it.’ This results in a few team members performing better. Hmm, you just learned that all you need to do to motivate people is to threaten them. You threaten more and more and you discover that the bigger the threat the more motivated your team are. Your team perform well and your manager congratulates you. You have an amazing sense of achievement and consider yourself to be a good leader.

You see, if you take bullying behaviour away from someone then you take away something positive from their lives. Our child no longer gets attention and our team leader no longer gets a sense of achievement. Can you image either of them stopping what they do just because you tell them to? Even if you point out to them that they are bullying, they won’t agree with you. ‘I wasn’t bullying, I was just.....’

In order for them to change their behaviour they need better ways of achieving the emotional needs they get. That doesn’t just mean they need other ways to do it. It means their alternative solutions must bring them more benefit that their existing methods.

Once they have better ways of getting what they need they won’t need to bully as much. Our child could be encouraged to try out some new social skills which get loads of attention. Our team leader could receive some specialist training in motivating people. We have probably not yet stopped their bullying completely but, as long as their new methods work better for them, they no longer HAVE TO bully.

To finish the process, we need to directly motivate them to stop their old behaviours. Punish them when they do it and/or reward them when they do the opposite behaviour. Notice though, that we are unlikely to change the behaviours with punishments and rewards alone. Without alternative and better ways of fulfilling their needs they will continue to bully.

If you would like to know more, or if you, yourself are being bullied and want to be able to make it stop then contact me on 0141 552 7045 or mark@bullyingfullstop.co.uk.

Mark McKenzie